land of the free

I am convinced that many of our problems stem from freedom - abuse of freedom, and fear of freedom. Western society has materially recreated the world to its specifications, almost completely obviating our need to tend to survival and freeing us to exercise choice in virtually every aspect of our existence : we each define ourselves individually and socially, we each ponder and decide which philosophies suit our psychologies, we each determine what it is that constitutes our happiness. The modern emphasis on the primacy of the individual - the valuation of rights over obligations, for example - has arisen to occupy, indeed compel, our attention in the absence of any real need to consider ourselves, for the sake of survival, as part of a community. But maybe human consciousness isn't ready, has not satisfactorily evolved, yet enough to keep pace with our relative triumph over our materiality. Rather, we when given the opportunity of complete freedom seem to value only more materiality, more physicality, as the proper end of our choices. Thus, when freed to live life by our own design, many of us devolve to sex and wealth as objects of our interest. This, to me, devalues freedom. And we - on a private, individual basis - know it. we know better. And that knowledge makes our devaluation of freedom, our poor choices, abuses of freedom; much of our personal regrets, resentments, failures, are outcroppings of our inability to use freedom to become the people we know we should be rather than the people we allow ourselves to be. And some of the idiotic manifestions of freedom - we all know them, they're all around us in our culture - scare others who, when they see the flamboyant choices of others (mostly the recreationalists who think that life is a party), conclude that they are being left behind somehow in life's contest to see who can be the happiest, and therefore think that the best way all around is to shut down everybody else's exercise of (bad) choice. There is in our society awareness of the means for development of humanity toward the horizon of higher consciousness which is humanity's end, but in my view we are in danger of losing that awareness through simple inattention while we are otherwise focused on celebrating our materiality. By accident of rhetoric it seems that the fearful devoted to shutting down freedom altogether have appropriated the language of freedom to do so - the Palins, and hannity, etc., who always seem to be "scared" of something, and indeed I suppose they are. But of the wrong thing.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my son's life. Thanks to God for giving Kevin a chance to live his life.
I have been haunted by Thanksgiving since I was 14 years old. I recall that on Thanksgiving in 1970, announcing from my customary backseat-right position on the way to my grandparents for dinner, that I had nothing to be thankful for. 3 days later, my grandfather died, unexpectedly, at age 61. Of course, I felt responsible. I still do. But the episode taught me that my thinking or feeling something does not make it right, and that focusing on my problems obscures appreciation of my (considerable) blessings. And it taught me to remember these lessons, so easy to forget or rationalize away, on Thanksgiving. Now, I am haunted by my mistakes - my failings as a parent chief among them, along with the cavalier self-pity demonstrated so long ago from the backseat of my family's car, which might have had something to do with those failings (and many others). This year, more than any other, I feel real thanksgiving - for my mother and brother, my kids and their love, my wife and her love, true friends, partners who respect and protect me, Ashes. But now, too, for my faith in God, the joy which comes with it, and maybe even something else which comes with faith - the loss of a bit of that focus on self.

proof ?

As unlikely as it may be, answered prayers seems to me to be powerful evidence, in the mind of the prayor, that someone is doing the answering. And it's not the prayor. It's not proof, alone. But when one realizes that that for which one prays occurs, and for no good reason beyond the prayers, it is difficult to not feel utter joy at the realization that faith does allow one to "prove" what one believes. Astonishing.

fpa progress report

I am doing a somewhat better job at work because I am working harder, which is the key to everything - not just work. As a result, I am feeling better. I am working harder because I prayed for help to do what I needed to do.
My son Kevin has expressed belief in a God of some sort. I have been praying that he find faith.
It may not be the case but it sure does feel like answered prayers.
My newfound faith is challenged daily, not only by the circumstances of my life but by me, directly and consciously. So far, it's sometimes weakened but it's never absent, and over time it's strengthened in response to each challenge, each day, each internal conversation about whether I am engaging in wish-fulfillment, as my friend says. I think that every time I affirm my faith, I end up with more faith.
This faith has helped me. That too is a powerful argument for faith; but my faith is in the God of the Trinity, and a faith that is defined by devotion to God, not to self. So feeling better is no longer what this is about for me. It's about trying to be true to the good, and true to a view of life as an element of a larger reality rather than an end in itself. the collateral benefit of this philosophy is that I feel better. Close enough.