Happy New Year

Reflecting on the problems which arose during the year ending has been and remains, for me, the foundation of hope that the new year will be, in fact, happy. The subtext is "it can't be worse", but I know by now, having been through this cycle 53 times, that of course it can be, and for many years has been. So, usually hope has come tinctured with a dash of anxiety, a sense that there are likely problems awaiting me that I cannot foresee, problems which in context will be as or more profound as those daunting me at year-end. But it feels different this year.

Why ? Because for the first time in a long while, I end this year and start the new one "happy". I said it to myself recently, "I am happy", and doing so shocked me because I can't really say I am much familiar with that. The very term - happiness - has always seemed to me to be a seductive and deceitful trap, one in which the bait is itself the net which falls on us, sooner or later. Our expectations can contain the seeds of success or failure, satisfaction or disappointment, hope or despair, all at the same time; if this is true, then it must also be true that our various states of mind are a function of our expectations more than anything else. What shapes our expectations ? The desire to control events, to engineer outcomes. It stands to reason, then, that one way to moderate the ebb and flow of happiness and despair is to moderate the instinct to control.

Relinquishing control is easier said than done for most of us, because control is the first tool we reach for in response to fear. What do we fear, usually ? For me, and I suspect for most of us, we fear that we are irrelevant, that our lives don't matter. So we end up spending most of our time figuring out half-baked schemes to makes ourselves feel, at least to ourselves, important. When the schemes don't work, we're not only disappointed that we didn't achieve the marker of relevance we desired, but we've managed to add to the store of references supporting the conclusion that we don't, in fact, matter, and moreover, that we shouldn't. But it's what we do : year after year, plan this or the other project for success - projects to proclaim to ourselves that our lives are significant.

I believe that the reason this year seems different to me is that because I have grown spiritually this year (however modest and incomplete), I do already feel significant (enough) without having any need to create self-relevance. Significant how ? In all candor and with no embarrassment, it seems evident to me that the less I think about myself the way I always have, as an independent albeit vulnerable being solely responsible for crafting my world and a failure if I don't, the richer life seems. Indeed, I am coming to learn by experience that "to be spiritually minded is life and peace" (Romans 8:6).

But "happy" ? Yes, and one reason is that I've learned that I'm the guy He's referring to : "...that the works of God should be made manifest in him." (John 9:3). Another is that I am blessed with good kids that know I love them and that I have done the best I can for them. Another is that I've learned to truly recognize, accept, and reciprocate the love of my wife. Indeed, one of the prayers I've recited for awhile is "Help me to learn love"; that prayer, too, is being answered. I feel fortunate to say that, to say all of this. Feeling blessed is an excellent way to feel happy. It no longer seems that complicated.

So, I can now genuinely say, Happy New Year !

a real Christmas

Admittedly, religiosity is a state of mind. Faith, however, is not. As one new to it, I am learning that while there cannot be faith without doubt, belief can also be a matter of certainty; it is becoming evident to me that faith grows, not linearly towards bedrock fact, but with ever more frequent moments of certainty which more than balance, more than offset, doubt. I experienced one such moment certainty yesterday. I saw the face of God in my children, mother, aunts, nephew, cousins. And I felt the love of the Christ of the Trinity in their presence. My children, and my nephew, are living examples of Rahner's "anonymous christians". But my mother, cousins, aunts, who have lived lives blessed with faith throughout, visibly and audibly (to me) manifest the grace of God in their essential being. I've always known they were good people, and I always strived (and failed) to be like them. I know why now : I have not lived as they have, though I could have and chose not to, having consciously decided to walk away from God in anger. While I revel in my newfound piety, I have much catching up to do, even as I realize to do so is impossible because I cannot relive my life. One of the damaging consequences of my choices is that my kids were not raised with religious consciousness; but while I've missed much of the joy which a life of faith brings to those who believe in Christ, maybe it's not too late for them. Frank the evangelist ? It's probably the best legacy I can provide for them, the best way to ensure a chance for the sort of blessed lives I witnessed yesterday. What did I see ? I saw true faith lived. Not just believed, internalized, but lived.

purpose

Today, all the feelings of foreboding associated with Christmas returned, occasioned by my firm's second annual Christmas lunch. For 16 years now, since 1993, Christmas lunch, indeed the entire holidays season, has been a rueful time for me, because I associate it with my father's death in December of that year. He did alot for me - he made me walk. Without his commitment, 2 hours every night for 12 or 13 years, to engage in difficult, brutal, physically and emotionally exhausting strength-on-strength exercises, my legs against his arms and shoulders, I would never have walked. I owe him my life. And I am in debt to my mother and brothers for sacrificing any semblance of normal family life in favor of our nightly contest of wills to make my legs strong enough to carry me along, albeit haltingly, these 53 years. And I benefitted mightily otherwise by learning what force of will can accomplish. I can't help but think that over these 16 years, my willfulness, my power of will (if you will), feels progressively weaker. Yet, I know it's still there, it really is the only strength I have, and it's as strong as anybody's. Even now.

Today's lunch was meaningful. We have a group whose identity is slowly developing into its own, distinct from the old firm. I spoke the blessing, for the first time in my life, and for the first time in my life I meant every word of it. Our group really does seem to be developing the sense of belonging critical to any committed enterprise.

Long ago, I sensed that I affected people positively; I suppose that they drew some degree of inspiration from my perseverance. Through the years, I lost that, and my life diminished. Now, faith in God, the God of Christ and the Holy Spirit, is growing in me a sense of purpose, and it has nothing to do with my wants, goals, etc. Rather, I am coming to the view that all the pain and deprivation in my life has value only to the extent to which it serves to demonstrate to me and to others that God is present in us, in me. God's grace is in the honesty we have for ourselves and others and in the consideration we exercise for others, lived in selflessness; this must be what we call love, isn't it ? And when people see those attributes truly lived (however fleetingly), they recognize it, and it changes them, it brings a bit of grace into them. Maybe that's what my purpose is, what it's been the whole time, whether I was up to the task or not. Maybe we all share that same purpose; some's circumstances bring them to the realization easier than others.

I'll bet that my dad thought his purpose in life was to make me walk. He did what he said out to do. For most of my life I thought of my own purpose negatively - if I had any purpose at all, it was to avoid failure, to survive, and to somehow provide a foundation for my kids so that they wouldn't fail. Maybe I could have avoided many problems by knowing that there is a positive reason for my existence after all - to demonstrate that life lived with God's grace triumphs over all the obstacles we think we have. I have alot of catching up to do to fulfill my purpose.

With my lumbar spine now joing my cervical spine in the herniation sweepstakes, I could barely wak out of the restaurant. Nonetheless, I was contented and secure in the knowledge that I had a place among people who valued me and wanted me to be among them. I saw one of the folks who departed from us en masse 9 years ago, and despite the many millions he's been given over those years, he looked miserable. I guess there's never enough money if it's money not truly earned. It's a bit of a shock to me to realize that my life, for all its desolations, must be considered blessed insofar as I'm happy; if it is, it's due entirely to the grace bestowed upon me from God, and I know it. That other guy doesn't know that. I'm the lucky guy, not him.

land of the free

I am convinced that many of our problems stem from freedom - abuse of freedom, and fear of freedom. Western society has materially recreated the world to its specifications, almost completely obviating our need to tend to survival and freeing us to exercise choice in virtually every aspect of our existence : we each define ourselves individually and socially, we each ponder and decide which philosophies suit our psychologies, we each determine what it is that constitutes our happiness. The modern emphasis on the primacy of the individual - the valuation of rights over obligations, for example - has arisen to occupy, indeed compel, our attention in the absence of any real need to consider ourselves, for the sake of survival, as part of a community. But maybe human consciousness isn't ready, has not satisfactorily evolved, yet enough to keep pace with our relative triumph over our materiality. Rather, we when given the opportunity of complete freedom seem to value only more materiality, more physicality, as the proper end of our choices. Thus, when freed to live life by our own design, many of us devolve to sex and wealth as objects of our interest. This, to me, devalues freedom. And we - on a private, individual basis - know it. we know better. And that knowledge makes our devaluation of freedom, our poor choices, abuses of freedom; much of our personal regrets, resentments, failures, are outcroppings of our inability to use freedom to become the people we know we should be rather than the people we allow ourselves to be. And some of the idiotic manifestions of freedom - we all know them, they're all around us in our culture - scare others who, when they see the flamboyant choices of others (mostly the recreationalists who think that life is a party), conclude that they are being left behind somehow in life's contest to see who can be the happiest, and therefore think that the best way all around is to shut down everybody else's exercise of (bad) choice. There is in our society awareness of the means for development of humanity toward the horizon of higher consciousness which is humanity's end, but in my view we are in danger of losing that awareness through simple inattention while we are otherwise focused on celebrating our materiality. By accident of rhetoric it seems that the fearful devoted to shutting down freedom altogether have appropriated the language of freedom to do so - the Palins, and hannity, etc., who always seem to be "scared" of something, and indeed I suppose they are. But of the wrong thing.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my son's life. Thanks to God for giving Kevin a chance to live his life.
I have been haunted by Thanksgiving since I was 14 years old. I recall that on Thanksgiving in 1970, announcing from my customary backseat-right position on the way to my grandparents for dinner, that I had nothing to be thankful for. 3 days later, my grandfather died, unexpectedly, at age 61. Of course, I felt responsible. I still do. But the episode taught me that my thinking or feeling something does not make it right, and that focusing on my problems obscures appreciation of my (considerable) blessings. And it taught me to remember these lessons, so easy to forget or rationalize away, on Thanksgiving. Now, I am haunted by my mistakes - my failings as a parent chief among them, along with the cavalier self-pity demonstrated so long ago from the backseat of my family's car, which might have had something to do with those failings (and many others). This year, more than any other, I feel real thanksgiving - for my mother and brother, my kids and their love, my wife and her love, true friends, partners who respect and protect me, Ashes. But now, too, for my faith in God, the joy which comes with it, and maybe even something else which comes with faith - the loss of a bit of that focus on self.

proof ?

As unlikely as it may be, answered prayers seems to me to be powerful evidence, in the mind of the prayor, that someone is doing the answering. And it's not the prayor. It's not proof, alone. But when one realizes that that for which one prays occurs, and for no good reason beyond the prayers, it is difficult to not feel utter joy at the realization that faith does allow one to "prove" what one believes. Astonishing.

fpa progress report

I am doing a somewhat better job at work because I am working harder, which is the key to everything - not just work. As a result, I am feeling better. I am working harder because I prayed for help to do what I needed to do.
My son Kevin has expressed belief in a God of some sort. I have been praying that he find faith.
It may not be the case but it sure does feel like answered prayers.
My newfound faith is challenged daily, not only by the circumstances of my life but by me, directly and consciously. So far, it's sometimes weakened but it's never absent, and over time it's strengthened in response to each challenge, each day, each internal conversation about whether I am engaging in wish-fulfillment, as my friend says. I think that every time I affirm my faith, I end up with more faith.
This faith has helped me. That too is a powerful argument for faith; but my faith is in the God of the Trinity, and a faith that is defined by devotion to God, not to self. So feeling better is no longer what this is about for me. It's about trying to be true to the good, and true to a view of life as an element of a larger reality rather than an end in itself. the collateral benefit of this philosophy is that I feel better. Close enough.